Conflict can occur on many levels and different dimensions, and when left unchecked it can cause self-sabotage where dreams and goal achievement are concerned, or at least cause people to feel stuck and unable to progress beyond that point.
A conflict can occur within a person. It can also be specific to a situation or another person. Here are some examples of conflicts playing out in life.
If you have ever found yourself in 'two minds' about something you are experiencing conflict. If your head says one thing and your heart another, you are experiencing conflict.
The most common conflict I come across in my coaching practice with individuals is the scenario where they hate their job, and want a different lifestyle that being an entrepreneur brings, yet are afraid of leaving the security of a paycheck that a job brings.
Many stay stuck in a job for this reason and the longer they remain stuck the harder it is to break through due to the conditioning effect of things we become familiar with.
In the film the Shawshank Redemption Morgan Freeman captures this quite graphically and poignantly in the scene and speech on institutionlisation.
The character of Brookes in the above film ended up resenting and not able to cope with the very thing he originally wanted - his freedom. There are many prisoners in real life who end up self- sabotaging and reoffending to restore the feeling of security that the prison walls gave them.
There are many who are imprisoned within their own inner walls of security, whilst desiring a different life.
So what are some of the key tools and processes needed to resolve conflicts? Here are 4 ingredients worth considering the following conflict resolution strategies:-
- Self-Awareness
- Values
- Openness
- Empowering Questions
When you develop the relationship you have with yourself, you will become more self -aware and clearer about what you want for your life, personally, professionally or both. The desire that emerges with that clarity and knowingness becomes like fuel to help you navigate past potential conflicts.
For example the guy that wants to develop his talents in the entertainment industry to bless others with the gift of his humour, yet struggles to embrace the publicity that may come as part of the package.
He will ultimately find a way to manage, embrace and accept that in the light of his burning desire as long as it does not present a greater conflict with his values.
How To Resolve Conflict - Values
It is crucial to understand what is most important to you, in other words, what your values are. Sometimes the conflicts we experience are between two values we hold dear.
So in the example above if the person values privacy more than contribution of his talents in the entertainment industry, then he will ultimately do what is most important to him, and he will realign his desires accordingly, and change its expression.
Your desires need to align with your values, and these may change over time as we grow, and explore life in general.
How To Resolve Conflict - Openness
An open heart and mind can be an essential ingredient to resolving a conflict. For example recently Peterborough played Sunderland in the FA Cup.
In the prelude and commentary to the game we were given some insight into the relationship between owner and manager, who shared a similar vision for the club. Yet we heard how the relationship between the two was feisty with heated arguments at best.
At one point the manager was sacked despite his great achievements at Peterborough, only to be reinstated the following year!! Whilst their heated arguments were put down to passion, they clearly had different ideas about the method and path to achieving the agreed vision.
An openness to accepting that there is more than one way to achieve the same vision, as demonstrated by the former manager's achievements with the club during his tenure, was what enabled the owner to reinstate him.
How To Resolve Conflict - Empowering Questions
Let's return to the first scenario above to the person who hates his job and wants fulfilment whilst maintaining a sense of security in his life.
Many believe that they have to choose one over the other - security or fulfilment. This may be a limiting belief, however need not remain the case.
If you explore the possibilities for the two to co-exist, and the best place to start is to ask an exploratory question.
'In what way can I achieve a more fulfilling life whilst securing my future?' is an example of one such question. Questions, when asked in a certain way are powerful to opening up possibilities for your life, because when you ask a question of yourself, everything within in you will focus in on it like a laser to product possible solutions.
As long as you are open to the possibilities that show up, solutions will present themselves as to how both needs can be met. It may be that the person in this scenario finds a business he likes that he can explore and start on a part time basis, whilst he builds the financial security needed to leave his employed work.
Experiment with the four conflict resolution strategies above and experience how they enable you to resolve the conflicts you may face in life.
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