Couples - Why Avoiding Conflict Is A Bad Idea ?

I've had it with people who say that the way to a happy relationship is to eliminate the conflict.
I've had it with TV ads for dating services that show a deliriously happy couple scientifically matched to make sure they are so compatible that they seemingly will always have that happy smile pasted across their faces (when those faces aren't obscured by a passionate lip-lock).



Couples don't get into trouble because of conflict. Couples get into trouble because they don't know how to handle their differences with emotional "smarts." Dumb fights are the bane of a couples existence because they are under-regulated, adversarial, reactive, and repetitive.

Conflict in a relationship is normal because differences are normal. It is our uniqueness, not just our sameness, that give our relationship excitement, surprise, passion.

Conflict is actually necessary for a relationship to deepen and mature. Couples who habitually avoid conflict end up growing apart. Most divorces are caused by this emotional alienation.

Conflict needs to be seen as an opportunity rather than a threat. Conflict is the opportunity to grow your relationship in 6 important ways:

1. Conflict deepens mutual understanding - in the early stages of your relationship you feel safe enough to reveal your "sameness" but not always your "uniqueness." It is in Stage 2 of your relationship, after you are emotionally attached, that you begin to reveal your differences. Genuine intimacy only comes after you know that your partner accepts and values your "uniqueness."


2. Conflict encourages each partners freedom to be authentic - many of us grow up in homes where it is not okay to be a separate and distinct "self." However, you cannot have a solid bond as a "we" until you have an authentic "you" and a "me." Both partners must feel safe, and entitled, to be real.


3. Conflict solidifies your emotional bond - conflict is the opportunity to reveal your most vulnerable feelings and ideas. To feel safe to share these primary feelings with a partner, to be naked emotionally, is true intimacy (in-to-me-see).


4. Conflict resolution increases resilience to adversity - research says that relationship success is not so much about good sex or fun times. Relationship success is about feeling like you have a partner along side you, when times get tough.


5. Conflict is the opportunity to expand the relationship - Conflict is the opportunity to learn from your partner's unique perspective and then make room in the relationship for both of you to be "right."


6. Sharing power as a we enables synergy. - Synergy in a relationship is when 1+1= 3. When two partners are feeling safe with their "uniquenes" they can be most creative as a team.

Conflict is normal in a loving relationship. Unfortunately, there are many couples who bend over backwards, trying to avoid conflict. Perhaps they believe that "happy" couples don't fight. Or maybe partners don't feel entitled to ask for their needs to be met. Many are afraid of their own anger, that their emotions will get too out of control. Some are afraid that if they express their true feelings, their partner might become dissatisfied and eventually leave.

The couples who try to avoid conflict are not doing their relationship any favors. Habitual avoidance of conflict is the leading cause of divorce. In one major study on divorce, the majority of couples (60%) name "soft reasons" for splitting up - boredom and growing apart. Avoiding conflict causes two people to repress resentment and turn away from each other. And, that can't be good.

What beliefs cause you to be a "Conflict Avoider"? Take this quiz, answering "true" or "false":
1. Happy couples don't fight.
2. Negative feelings towards my partner are unhealthy.
3. I am worried that my negative feelings will cause my partner to leave.
4. I am afraid I can't control some of my strong feelings.
5. I am afraid of my partner's anger.
6. Conflict will almost always be destructive in a relationship and should be avoided.
7. The closer we get as a couple, the less conflict we should have.
8. The more I care about my partner, the less upset I should get at them.
9. Conflict always leads to hurt feelings and distance.
10. I am ashamed of how I behave when I am angry.
11. When my partner is frustrated or angry with me, I feel like such a failure.
12. When my partner gets upset with me, I just want to run away.
13. I must have good control of my feelings to have a successful relationship.
14. If you can't say anything good, don't say anything at all.
15. Couples who fight a lot have a higher probability of divorcing.
16. Nothing good can ever come from conflict
17. When I am upset, I can't manage my feelings. Rather my feelings manage me!
18. When we disagree, someone has to win and someone has to lose.
19. I can't stand it when my partner is upset with me.
20. If I was a loving partner, I would not get so upset
21. It is impossible for us to stay connected when we disagree.

If you answered "true" to any of these statements, you probably struggle with a sense of low entitlement to be yourself and express your needs. Trust me, while conflict is maybe feels unpleasant, it does not have to feel so threatening.

You can learn to express disagreement and differences in an emotionally "smart" way. Fighting "smart" means learning how to:
regulate emotions
reveal rather than control
re-sync with your partner, without words
repair misunderstandings quickly

Conflict is an opportunity to deepen, strengthen, and expand your partnership. When couples successfully team up to share power, a new synergy takes place... the synergy of a "we."

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