Couples - Measure Your Conflict Resolution Skills

Relationship success requires closeness, collaboration... and conflict?
Conflict is not only normal, it is necessary for relationship success. How you manage your differences with your partner will determine whether your connection will deepen, strengthen, and evolve.
Understanding this intellectually is helpful. But insight is not enough.


Couples need to learn how to recognize, regulate, reveal, and respond to EMOTION.
So here is a quick test to measure your emotional "competence":
Part 1 - Regulating

1. I use both negative and positive feelings as a guide to understanding myself.
2. I can recognize how my judgments about my partner make me feel worse.
3. I recognize that I react when I feel misunderstood, judged, or not supported.
4. I am good at reminding myself that anger is always secondary to a feeling of vulnerability.
5. When I am upset I can pause, breathe and notice what is happening inside.
6. I recognize that my perceptions are sometimes blurred by old memories and hurts.
7. I am good at resisting the urge to attack or withdraw.

Part 2 - Revealing

1. I believe that the purpose of our relationship is to depend on each other.
2. I am not afraid to show my vulnerability to my partner.
3. I find it easy to trust my partner.
4. I am not uncomfortable revealing insecurities to my partner
5. I talk openly, sharing almost everything with my partner.
6. I turn to my partner for support, understanding, and validation.
7. I like the way we talk through our differences.

Step 3 - Responding

1. I am conscious that my tone, facial expressions and gestures speak louder than my words.
2. I see myself as sensitive and responsive to my partner's emotions
3. I always try to listen with curiosity to my partner's points and not judge
4. I am good at hearing my partner's pain underneath any anger.
5. I know how to soothe and comfort my partner's pain
6. We regularly hold each other when one of us is upset.
7. I can feel close to my partner even when we disagree.

Step 4 - Repairing

1. I have no trouble forgiving my partner.
2. I have no trouble apologizing.
3. I believe we are supposed to learn as a couple from our mistakes
4. I can use humor as a way to reconnect with my partner.
5. I understand that sometimes forgiveness is less an event and more a process.
6. I know in my heart my partner has good intentions and would never hurt me on purpose.
7. I would rather be happy than be "right."
Add up how many statements you can answer "True."

Score as follows:
28 - 22 Emotionally Competent in Conflict- Congrats!
21 and below "Dumb Fight" WARNING
Experts estimate that only about one third of us are emotionally "literate." The remaining two thirds can use some help with their Emotional IQ.

Mindfulness exercises go a long way to synching your right (emotional) brain with your left (cognitive, conscious) brain. Practicing a basic mindfulness exercise, like focusing on taking 10 deep breaths, will help slow down your emotional process, regulate your reactivity, and help you communicate more openly. You will be able to listen to your partner with a greater presence of mind. Learning to pause, breath, notice will help you slow down your heart rate and step back... before you engage in a painful, dumb fight.

Rhonda Audia, LCSW, is an expert on relationships, emotional healing and recovery from divorce. She is the director of Tampa Family Conflict Center in Tampa, Florida. Tampa Family Conflict Center offers marriage and couples counseling, divorce therapy, and relationship education.

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