1. Humility
Remain humble by looking to the interests of others when it comes to conflict. Don't be arrogant or bombastic. Be quick to sincerely apologise. Even if you are in the right, an apology such as 'I am sorry that this has happened' will be a good starting point in opening dialogue.
Say less, listen more. Give the person the benefit of the doubt. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Think about their circumstances. Do not gossip about them to others. Keep the situation confidential to protect the reputation of those involved.
2. Gentleness
In expressing gentleness, aim at remaining calm. Don't raise your voice or lash out. Look to diffusing the situation and understanding the other's position. In pointing out your position, start with sentences such as "I feel that" instead of accusational openings such as "You always do such and such." Do not be judgmental. If you feel you are going to absolutely lose it, remove yourself from the room and only return when you have calmed down.
3. Patience
Allow others to speak and don't interrupt. Listen carefully without being distracted by your own thoughts planning what next you will say. Take notes and make sure you know the facts - spend time finding them out. Be extremely cautious about what you say on email, BBM, SMS or in a letter. Don't send anything in the heat of the moment. Read it in the light of it being published in the newspaper. Try and resolve the situation eye to eye and not via email or SMS or even telephonically. It's easier to make inflammatory statements in writing than in person.
4. Bearing with one another in love
Understand that some are carrying more baggage and hurt than others. Some struggle with issues others find easy to deal with. Make allowances for personality types, culture differences and varying upbringings. Do not be hypocritical - It's so easy to judge someone else's actions without seeing your own failures. None of us are perfect.
If you have been wronged, extend to the person the same grace and mercy you would want extended to you, if you were in the same situation. We cannot control others. We can only control our own behaviour and our own words and our own reactions.
If necessary seek the advice of an independent adviser who can assess the situation without being emotionally involved. The amount you get out of a relationship is directly related to the amount you put in.
Helga van Niekerk is the presenter for the Rise and Shine Show on
Cape Town's 107.5 CCFm. Helga's life changed when she came to faith in
Christ in 1979. She enjoys writing and travelling and looks forward to
doing more of both.
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