Conflict Resolution Training: It's Better To Ask Permission Than Forgiveness

There is an old saying that it is better to ask forgiveness than permission, the idea being that if we wait for permission, we may hear "no," but if we just do what we believe to be best and then ask for forgiveness for doing so, we're more likely to get our way.


The old saying is wrong. If you review in your life the relationships that didn't work out or contained a lot of conflict or where there was often tension and stress, you'll find that those relationships ran into trouble because you (or the other person) did something before getting agreement (permission) and then apologized (asked for forgiveness) afterwards.

Trust is harmed when agreements are broken. In fact, I'd suggest that the basis for relationship trouble is broken agreements whether it's the businessperson who didn't keep her word, the service person who didn't show up at the time he said he would or the son/daughter who returned home later than promised. All of these are broken agreements and all lead to a lack of trust.

Here's one example where an individual asked for forgiveness rather than permission and it caused problems.

My wife and I own a piece of property near Olympia, Washington. We don't own an RV, but the previous owner had created a space for an RV to hook up to and get water and electricity.

Recently, a friend had sold his home and moved into an RV while looking for another house. He asked if he could rent our RV space and store a generator in our garage. We said yes with the agreement that he would be gone by a certain date, that he put only his generator in our garage and nothing else and that the only vehicle he kept on the property was his RV.

We were gone while he moved in. When we returned, we discovered that he had moved a van (in addition to the RV) on to the property, and that he had stored several pieces of furniture, in addition to the generator, in the garage.

He apologized but it created a rift in our relationship. We're gone from this property for long stretches and we were concerned about what else he might do in our absence. We also became concerned that he might not leave by the date promised.

The issue is not the furniture he put in our garage or the van. The issue is trust. Whenever agreements are broken, trust is harmed and relationships suffer. We don't know what we would have said had he come to us to renegotiate the agreement, but by following the maxim that it is better to ask forgiveness than permission, he cut off any possibility of renegotiation and harmed our relationship.

If you look at any of your failed/failing/ less than successful relationships, you will find that there was a breakdown in trust because an agreement was broken.

If you want to have relationships that work, ask for permission and get clear agreements before you take action.

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